I truly want to become the very best I can be. The superior version of myself. Strong, pretty, healthy, smart, educated, efficient, creative, dedicated. Someone who is fun to be around.
I’m making lussekatter/saffron buns, trying to learn the Christmas oratorio I’m going to sing, and checking out MUA courses all at the same time. It was my mother who planted that last idea, of all people… I’ve never really given it any serious thought before, but while I was in charge of the makeup in Die Fledermaus and The Tales of Hoffmann there were quite a few people who asked me if I had ever considered working with it, so I suppose it doesn’t hurt to check things out.
I am slowly destroying all of my close relationships by rejecting every single person who has somehow been fooled into liking me
Fucking creep next to me on the tram tried to feel me up… I finally told him to get lost and to keep his hands to himself, but I still feel angry and sick to my stomach. What makes these people think they have the right to touch me? What do they get from it? Why can’t I ride the tram without feeling uncomfortable and scared?
I want to become a better person. Not “kinder” in the way I used to wish - all too often, what I’ve believed to be kindness is just suppressed emotions, false smiles, a nodding head and submissiveness, and that is not the thing I want.
What I want is to be open-minded, honest, truthful without being unnecessarily hurtful, but at the same time able to stand my ground and to voice my opinion when needed.
Something I really enjoy doing is pretending not to understand when someone makes a shitty joke about women. It forces the person to explain why it’s supposed to be funny - and while struggling to do so, they’re gradually revealing the fact that their little joke relies solely on the mutual understanding between us that it’s funny because women are inferior.
Nope, you’re not getting the gratification of my “ha ha”.
I hate having to worry about my financial situation. I want a job, but I don’t have time for a job; I’m going to need to work my butt off this autumn in order to even be able to study/pay rent/eat, but I also need time to study and practice in order to have a chance at being accepted to a good school next year. I do have some savings, I’m just not sure they’ll be enough…
uarrghhhh, why am I even doing this? :(